In the field…

Oh how wonderful was she, she had such a sincere smile. She was one who found beauty in the smallest, in the wind.  She loved life it could not be kept a secret. She smiled easily.She could tell moments when you feared, and wouldn’t embarrass you with the discovery.

It was a great time in life, when little were my worries. I could spend hours working on projects without a time constraint. I would meet her in the field. There, she would tell me her mind. How sweet she was. I learned that her sincerity was obtuse to me, I was still about impressing, she was about truth.  I too, made a discovery. I began to see she was wasting her time  here.

The field was neutral. I could tell because there were so many people who came through here, all with different ambitions, and beliefs. So many faces passed through here. Today I remember only a few. But hers,  is a face I will never forget.  Her plans were a delightful inconvenience, her eyes made you afraid of so many a future. And I was simply a tourist.  I came to see this field was not right for me, that perhaps my visit here was in its closing.

The news was unsettling. Her eyes were different, for she had thought we would remain here in the field, for all our days. She had the impression that she would be present when changes in my dermis were apparent.  Because of this I could not  stay. I decided to stray. To look away to a nearby field.  I had not internalised what this would be for her. My tourist mentality became harmful.

Upon our separation, I did sense a quiet sadness,  I realised she was plenty of the light that shined for me. I had mistakened that I would always have it. For myself. This was not so.  I looked for other ways, other ways though  artificial may have been my contentment, if only fleetingly.

I had seen her one last time, accidentally, in another field. When I hailed her, she had those same eyes, and I shuddered. I could not hide from someone who had looked inside me before. I would say I became aware of something I needed to be. It was the last I had seen her.

When I heard of her passing, I was numbed. You wish that the impossibility would concrete itself in time. You begin to think more of the person who had their outstretched arms, for you. And how you could not receive them that day.  it’s haunting, shameful, and something that seems to have made fingerprint, in your mind. I hadn’t allowed myself to weep for her then. I do so now.

It was the middle of the year when I was in town, in the state where she lay rested.  I found the grounds through some research, but this was before I had ever decided to see her, again. I asked friends of the location, and was taken there by the same. It was a quiet moment, he had found her when I expected to.

I was quiet, dressed in uniform, and knelt down to read her stone. I remember the sun and the fresh grass under my feet. I thought of the time when we rode horses at night.

There may yet be other forms in which I will express the remainder of theses moments. Until then , I can simply state this-I will be more courageous in my efforts to express myself to someone else. That they may know who I am, and show sincerity.

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A dream for you…

My love asked me if it was too dark out side-

So I brought out the sun…

My love said ti was too windy-

So I made it still…

My love said ‘this room looks empty’

So I directed a flock of doves into it.

I look at her and her copper skin,

Her eyes and her smile,

That little grin,

And her soft hand.

I enjoy moments like these.

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A new theme…Abusive relationships

This was a posting by Miriam from an excerpt from

“Male role control works by physically, verbally, or emotionally destroying your partner’s physical and emotional integrity so that she will be afraid to be herself, will control herself, and therefore be available to be controlled by YOU.”  Emotionally controlling behavior is implemented through verbal abuse, body language, and deprivation (withholding). These behaviors are “the way the abuser treats his partner”

Abuse is always about CONTROL.  Whether it is verbal abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse, IT IS ABOUT CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER, subtly or openly. Check yourself out with these controlling behaviors or words:

CONTROLLING HER TIME:  The abuser controls his partner’s time by making her wait. He will say he is ready to talk, but will continue doing something else while his partner waits. He will tell her he is ready to go to bed, then make her wait. If she complains of having to wait, he will blame her for “not having enough patience”, “I have to wait on you too”, or “Do you expect me just to drop everything!”– thereby blaming her for HIS making her wait. This also commonly occurs when the abuser is called to a meal, family activity, or that everyone else is ready to leave.  If the partner does something while waiting, the abuser will then angrily proclaim that “HE has been waiting on HER”. A subtle way of controlling a partner’s time is to leave most, if not all, of the work for her to do-then complaining about anything she does for herself, or what she does not get done. Other examples are procrastinating promised work (especially what she is counting on), “watching just one more program” or “playing one more game” (that goes on and on and on), refusing to give a simple and direct answer to concrete and direct questions (Are you going to do this or that? “We’ll have to wait and see, I suppose, maybe, what do You think, I didn’t know I was supposed to…why don’t you figure it out!”) The abuser may also control his partner’s time by grandstanding. If she tells him she is unhappy about an incident, he will deny it happened, discount her feelings, or accuse her of trying to start a fight. He might also proclaim that “you’re causing the problem by bringing it up,” “no one else notices,” “everyone else does, so why can’t I,”  Diverting, countering, blocking, “forgetting,” forcing her to explain, making her repeat because the abuser was not listening or paying attention, and “prove it” are also common ways to control the partner’s time and energy. It is rare that an abuser will be willing to discuss or negotiate HIS plan-to do so would be giving up control. This type of control is two-fold: Control her time in some way, any way, then blame HER for it.

CONTROLLING HER MATERIAL RESOURCES: The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner’s material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by “forgetting”,  “I don’t know how”, or “I didn’t know I had to”. Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or “trying to be a martyr.”  In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary).  He gives no thought to “spending his own money,” or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!

CONTROLLING WITH BODY LANGUAGE AND GESTURES:  The verbal abuser uses body language to control his partner, just as he uses words. The words and gestures often go together.  This can be seen as using HIMSELF to control his partner.  Following are some hurtful and intimidating ways of controlling that are forms of withholding and abusive anger:

Stomping out
Refusing to talk
Walking away
Refusing to give her something
Hitting or kicking something
Refusing to make eye contact
Driving recklessly
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs
Withdrawing or withholding affection
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds
Strutting and posturing

CONTROLLING BY DEFINING HER REALITY:  This form of control is very oppressive.   When he tells his partner what reality is, he is playing God, he is discounting the partner’s experience by defining “THE TRUTH”-which in fact is a LIE.  Some examples: That’s not what you said or That’s not what I said or That’s not what you did or That’s not what I did or That’s not what happened. That’s not what you saw. That’s not what you felt. That’s not why you did it. I know you better than you know yourself!

CONTROLLING BY MAKING HER RESPONSIBLE: By telling his  partner she is responsible for his behavior, this verbal abuser attempts to avoid all responsibility for his own behavior.  In other words, he avoids accountability by BLAMING.  Examples include:
I did it because you…
You didn’t remind me.
You just don’t see what I do.
Just show me how
Set a good example

CONTROLLING BY ASSIGNING STATUS: Putting her down, especially on what she does best. Putting her up, praising or thanking her for trivial things rather than the big things she does, which demeans her talents, time, and energy, while implying she is best suited to do trivial or demeaning tasks.  This category also includes statements such as: That right! You’re a woman!! (said with disgust) What makes you think you can do that? I’m the leader, the boss. You’re not THAT stupid.  Just THINK about it.  ITS THAT’S SIMPLE.

Laughing at or smirking
Offensive jokes
Mimicking your partner
Scornful, disdainful, contemptuous tone of voice
Ignoring, “I’m not listening to you”
Avoiding eye contact, turning away
Expecting partner to talk to you while you’re watching TV, reading, game playing
Words like “Sooo” or “So what!” or “That means NOTHING to me” or “Whatever”
Bafflegabbing – talking in ways intended to mislead or baffle your partner
Insulting your partner
Making inappropriate sounds
Making inappropriate facial expressions-rolled eyes, grimaces, deep sighs
Starting a sentence then stating, “Forget it..”
Accusing her of being “controlling”, “having to have the last word”

CONTROLLING behaviors such as those above are used by verbal abusers to gain feelings of power and control whenever the suppressed fear and pain in his own life start to “seep out” – terrified of not being in control, terrified of “feeling,” terrified of her leaving. Do you have the courage to see yourself as others see you – as your wife and children see you? Do you have the courage to be honest with yourself? If you have seen or heard yourself in the paragraphs above RUN, don’t walk to get help. Suggested are the following steps:

Read everything you can about verbal abuse-several times over.
Listen to your partner with an open, accepting mind and feel your pain without shutting down in anger or withdrawal.
Make a list of everything you’ve ever done that was abusive-ask your partner to review the list.
Ask your partner to remind you every time you say or do something abusive.
Become aware of the effects of verbal abuse on the partner-read about women’s experiences, pain, torment, doubt, fear, loss of spirit and self, etc.
Get into a men’s group (a domestic violence men’s group) to help root out the controlling behaviors and anger and pain.
STOP controlling.
Start feeling your pain.

You must want to change more than you want to control. No one can make you change. But wouldn’t you like to know what a REAL relationship is with your partner and your children?  Don’t you want to be free of the pain of your life?  IT IS WORTH IT!?

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A new feat! Creating Prose from your experiences…

Let us hear from you! It is excellent to read from our favorite authors-but what is you could read about your life in someone else’s hand? tell us your story and we will place this here! Imagine, becoming immortalized through the web. Bring all your stories, your hertaches your triumphs! We look forward to hear from you.

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To be wiser is an aim
Most essential to ones soul,
And it is learning to stretch forth,
But requires one to inhale the knowledge
That comes from the exteriors.
This key allows one a deepening of understanding
And will help one avoid the similar errors,
If one will only listen.

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When I most wanted to rest from my troubles-
I’ve found myself laboring in this field-
Imposed upon by those wishing to feel-emotion,
Unkdinness, distrust, hidden malice,
Has only brought devastation and remorse.
And the fear of losing another, for always,
Has caused only a wearing of mine soul.
And what of my precious dream, to hold-
one’s hand and not to flinch, this too-
Brings more and more the disdain-
Of not having but finding as afisherman-
Retracting his lure after collecting the catch.

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In my simple yet complex pursuit
To find one that can stir my soul,
I’ve come to find that many times,
My attempts have brought outcomes several,
Some I have learned the sweetness of life
Others have brought me a bitter taste.
Those I thought that I may have enjoyed,
Have soon but relinquished the few things –
I desired and lived for- faith, hope, trust,
I had tried not to believe- that such as a
Kind gesture can be turned a cold-
Show of dirty vial in ones collection,
Would have caused myself to hide,
Instead of display for others.

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